So, since the Cowboys have been out of contention, the Super Bowl isn’t until Sunday, and I don’t have ESPN, I’ve been in a football drought for the past few weeks. To cope, I thought I might revisit what has become known to me and other football fans as The Dumbest Commercial of All Time:
A quick re-cap, for those of you who can’t access the video or who just don’t give a fuck about the commercial but want to keep reading this post anyway (who ARE you?!?!?): this is an ad for the NFL fan shop, the organization that deals with all merchandise sales from every professional football team. The gist of the commercial is that a family from Minnesota (presumably, but who knows, given this clan’s bandwagon tendencies) started out as a Vikings family, but then due to the different roads life took them down, they wound up with a bunch of other team colors flying in their family photos, which means everybody gets to spend a ton of money at the NFL Fan shop HOORAY!!!
That’s not why this commercial is the dumbest commercial of all time, though. What starts as a decent premise (We’re rival fans but we love each other! Buy more shit!) quickly takes a sharp left turn off of the Reasonably Saccharine freeway and pulls straight into Bullshit-Crazyvile. The initial setup is that their Vikings fan son met a girl from Philadelphia (gross), moved to Cincinnati (GROSS) and they had kids. Then, for some goddamn reason these HARDCORE FOOTBALL FANS decide they need to dress their little kids who have no allegiances of their own in Bengals gear. Everybody knows that priority #1 for new parents of football fans=indoctrination. Those parents would be competing with one another for their kids’ love and a subsequent warm body for their Viking/Iggles faithful.
It gets worse from there; as the commercial progresses, the reasoning behind why the members of this milquetoast family of fair-weather football fans take on new allegiances gets more and more ridiculous. Next up is the daughter, who while still a Vikings fan, randomly runs into Emmitt Smith on the street and then “NEVER LET US FORGET IT”. Uh, OK, so she had a chance encounter with a legendary player from a franchise she should, by all logic, not give two shits about, but inexplicably takes on the Cowboys as her “second team”?
That pales in comparison to a jump that is so mind-bogglingly stupid that future broadcasts CUT IT OUT OF NEW AIRINGS, presumably because people savaged it so badly. The youngest son moves (I guess for college?) to Pittsburgh, and eats so many goddamn cheeseburgers (dubbed the world-famous “Roethlisburger”. Somehow I doubt think that one is showing up on any Chinese travel guides, but whatever) that he “becomes a fan of the guy, too.” So your son loves burgers so much that he decides to become a Steelers fan and drop $150 on the jersey of a confirmed rapist? Man, you guys have shitty values.
The commercial concludes, “And that’s how we became a Vikings, Eagles, Bengals, Steelers, Cowboys family”. We’re then treated to a sight that makes my eyeballs crave combustion, the family all sitting down together for a photo in their assembled gear, which isn’t terrible in and of itself, but that daughter (who may or may not have had a tryst with Emmitt Smith in a hotel room while at a conference) is wearing a COWBOYS HAT WITH HER VIKINGS JERSEY.
This has never happened in the history of ever. Worst commercial of all time. F minus.