While waiting for a movie to start last week, I had the misfortune of sitting through a lot of terrible trailers and “Coming Attractions” infomercials (after the Sam Raimi “Wizard of Oz” remake and Bryan Singer’s dark and gritty reboot of “Jack and the Beanstalk” can we stop trying to David Fincher the fuck out of all our beloved children’s stories? Please?), but what made me laugh out loud was the spot for the sure-to-be-excruciating SMURFS 2. Aside from the cheapness of a single smurf talking along with a canned announcer, the ad contained this doozy of a tagline:
What. The. Fuck.
SMURF HAPPENS? Really? Have the dope peddlers (make no mistake, your kids are being sold things that are bad for them, just not on playgrounds) gotten so brazen that they’re willing to basically fess up and call their own products “shit”? After possible hours, days, or weeks of deliberation was a vaguely disguised version of “shit happens” really decided upon as the best two words to get parents to take their kids to sit through a terrible movie?
It’s not the first time this sort of thing’s happened. Remember ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS? No, not the original records and cartoons that were nominally funny for five minutes. The new, half-CGI Justin-beiber-tude romps starring Jason Lee as Dave (John Goodman is clearly the best choice, just based on his “ALVIIIIIIIIIN” alone, but Coen Brothers regulars don’t come cheap)! This wonderful piece of wholesome entertainment not only featured a cartoon rodent EATING ANOTHER RODENTS feces, but a lot of promo materials contained this delightful catchphrase:
Step 1: Munk your girlfriend without a condom.
Step 2: Spend $75 to watch computer rodents dutch oven each other for two hours (actual mothermunkin’ plot points).
Step 3: Munk right off back home, tell your baby’s mama you’ll be up in a few minutes, and then drink yourself to sleep on the couch while quietly sobbing before slitting your wrists in the guest bathroom sink at dawn.