And Now For Something Somewhat Different

Things have been a bit dense around here, so I thought I would lighten the mood a little bit by presenting everyone with a run-down of things that I hate. Since I am a navel-gazing misanthrope, this might be infuriating, hilarious, or (hopefully) both. A lot of these are NYC-based, since I just moved here. Enjoy!

1. People who unnecessarily add the word “food” when describing a restaurant

As in “Oh, you need to come with me to Manhattan sometime. There’s this awesome Chinese food restaurant that you have to try!” Really? That’s a load off my mind. Here I was wondering if they served food at this particular restaurant you were referring to, thanks for clearing that up.

2. People who stand in the middle of the stairs to the train

Even when it’s not busy and the train’s not coming, this makes me want to kick people into the third rail. Same goes for people who stop in the MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK to check their phones or try and figure out where they’re going. This goes double for folks who stop to check their phone every 2 steps when they’re at say, 7th and 23rd. Manhattan is a grid. The street numbers get bigger as you go West and North.

3. Well done meat

Just…what a horrible, horrible thing to do to an innocent, dead piece of cow. I can’t tell you how happy I was when I read Kitchen Confidential and found out that people who order meat well done get the cheapest, oldest, crappiest scraps in the kitchen. Good, more quality blood-soaked goodness for the rest of us.

4. People who use paper towels/napkins to blot the grease off of pizza

No matter how many arguments I hear from these weirdos–it cuts this many calories, it decreases this much chance of heart disease, it makes your farts smell like sunshine–the fact remains: if you’re trying to watch what you eat, you shouldn’t be shoving a pound of dough, cheese, and meat in your face. Not only is complaining of greasy pizza like complaining of  wet water, blotting the grease off your pizza is like ordering three big macs and then bitterly complaining when they don’t have diet coke.

5. Women who make the “shh shh” motion by shoving their fingers in your face

I don’t want to discriminate, but men never do this because they know they’d pull back a stump. I’m not five, and there are more tactful ways to let people know that you’re a self-centered cunt, like politely waiting your turn to speak before blathering on about whatever E! reality show distracted you from your empty life that week.

6. People who take shots of really good alcohol

I’ll begrudgingly accept folks who shoot nice tequila, because bad tequila tastes like the Inquisition, and the stuff is kind of made to be thrown back, but everyone shooting Jameson, or worse yet, scotch, needs to either man the hell up and sip like a gentleman or not drink the brown stuff. The reason you buy nice liquor is to taste it and enjoy it, not so you can throw it back and holler like an idiot, or worse yet, piss coca-cola or ginger ale into it. That’s what T.W. Samuels is for (note: they dont’ have T.W. Samuels in New York. The well whiskey in Manhattan seems to be Evan Williams, and Brooklyn usually goes for Old Crow).

7. People who spell “ridiculous” with an “e”

You look ridiculous.

8. People who are way too obsessed with cats

I used to be fine with cats. I’m a dog person, but I co-existed peacefully with felines until that damn LOLcats meme took over and began my generation’s long and sputtering descent into mediocrity as dictated by the Internet. I realize it’s not the cats’ fault, but much like Eddie Vedder is indirectly to blame for the legions of piss-poor imitators that followed Pearl Jam (pretty much every “heavy” band that got radio play between 1993 and 1999), so are cats complicit in the crimes carried out against humanity in their name. I’ll even sometimes run into people (ok, let’s be honest: girls) who purr when they see their friends or actually say the word “meow!” to communicate excitement. Sorry cats, we gave it our best shot, but I think it’s best if we see other people.

9. People who bother the waiter

I identify with the Soup Nazi. Everything he’s so adamantly opposed to, I understand. The not figuring out what you want while you’ve stood in line for ten whole fucking minutes, the chit-chat with somebody who is not your friend and has no desire to be, the needless nit-picking and custom ordering and instructions that are sure to be ignored…I hate all of it, especially folks who are so unable to make a decision for themselves they bully some college student earning less than minimum wage into becoming their own personal food critic. Once, I was out with a friend who did this, and I was getting ready to crawl under the table the very obviously stressed-out and not-in-a-good-mood server pointed to something on the menu, said “you’re having that”, jotted it down, and walked away.

10. People who complain about everything

I also hate myself. See what I did there?

 

Cheers,

–J

 

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